mike's HUMOR

My niece bought her five-year-old daughter Kayleigh a hamster. One day he escaped from his cage. The family turned the house upside-down and finally found him.
 
Several weeks later, while Kayleigh was at school, he disappeared again. She searched frantically ... but never found the critter.
 
Hoping to make the loss less painful for Kayleigh, my niece took the cage out of her room. When Kayleigh came home from school that afternoon, she climbed into her mother's lap. "We have a serious problem," she announced. "Not only is my hamster gone again, but this time he took his cage."

One Liner
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

 

My 9 year old daughter asked me, "Mom, do you have a baby picture of yourself? I need it for a school project." I gave her one without thinking to ask what the project was.

A few days later I was in her classroom for a parent-teacher meeting when I noticed my face pinned to a mural the students had created.

The title of their project was: "The oldest thing in my house."

One Liner
Seen on a Taxidermist's sign: "We really know our stuff."

 

The following are actual instructions found on the named items:
 
ON HAIRDRYER INSTRUCTIONS;
- Do not use while sleeping.
 
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
 
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP,
- Directions: Use like regular soap.
 
ON A FROZEN DINNER:
- Serving suggestion: Defrost.
 
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX:
- Fits one head.
 
ON TIRIMISU DESERT
- Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
 
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING
- Product will be hot after heating
 
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON
- Do not iron clothes on body
 
ON CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE
- Do not drive car or operate machinery
 
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID)
- Warning: may cause drowsiness
 
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE
- Warning: keep out of children
 
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS
- For indoor or outdoor use only.
 
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR
- Not to be used for the other use
 
ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS
- Warning: contains nuts
 
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS
- Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
 
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW
- Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands

 

Police Report"

A motorist collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the police report were:

Q - What warning was given by you?
A - Horn.

Q - What warning was given by the other party?
A - Moo.

One Liner
“The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.”

 

Humorous Epitaphs
 
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903-Died 1942
 
Looked up the elevator shaft to see
if the car was on the way down.
It was.
 
----
 
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
 
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.
 
----
 
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
 
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me For not rising.
 
----
 
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
 
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas,
Instead of the brake.
 
----
 
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls,Vermont
 
Here lies the body of our Anna -
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go

 

"Morning Run"

The drill sergeant, making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good. Private Johnson will be setting the pace on our morning run."

With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Johnson was overweight and terribly slow. But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: "Now for the bad news. Private Johnson will be driving a truck."

One Liner
Two keys hang in an undertaker's office - one for the organ in the chapel; the other for one of the cars in the garage.

Two small signs above the keys read "Hymn" and "Hearse."

 

A woman invited some people from church to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you've heard Mommy say before," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

One Liner 

End procrastination ... tomorrow!

 

SAY A PRAYER

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer," said his mother.

"I don't need to," the boy replied.

"Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house," Johnny explained. "But this is grandma's house and she knows how to cook!"

One Liner
"Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under."

 

EQUALITY

When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls." This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing.  My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"

She replied, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men.'"

One Liner
My daughter says I'm nosy. At least, that's what she wrote in her diary.

 

UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER

During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews.  Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, "Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?"

Tommy answered soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!"

One Liner 

Definition of a committee: A group of the unworthy, appointed by the unwilling, to do the unnecessary.